just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
