took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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