I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
