grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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