I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
