She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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