Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
