Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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