Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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