I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
