I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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