Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
