I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
