Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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