I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
