Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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