life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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