If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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