Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
