im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
