Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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