she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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