clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
