I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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