I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
