dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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