I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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