I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
