Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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