I think I am morally bankrupt
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
