Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
