I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
