a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
