Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
