Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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