You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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