How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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