I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
