She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
