Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I need a beard to bite.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
