help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
