I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
