The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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