Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
