Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
