Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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