Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
