Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
