Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
