Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My ATM looks so different sober.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
